How Facebook Burned Me With Target Advertising

Well played Facebook, and the geniuses who run the marketing department. This advertisement just showed up in my News Feed. Ironic? Hardly. I’ve spent the last few days creating blogs like a machine (no kids this weekend!), and what-do-ya-know? The crickets are back, and my posts are going unnoticed.

I guess I need to get with the program and:

  1. Create Better Blogs For People to “Pretend” to Read
  2. Start Writing During the Week Like Normal People
  3. Wait Until Christmas Eve to Post My Next Masterpiece. 

Right? I mean, it’s only the last week of summer… I can’t be the only loser protecting my skin from cancer by parking it on the couch. Right?

Keep scrolling…I’d like to answer Facebook’s question….

Facebook Burn: How target marketing is telling this writer that she sucks. "Tired of writing blogs that no one reads?" This author puts a funny spin on it.
Well Played Facebook and the “target marketing” advertising geniuses!!

Dear Marketing Stalkers at Facebook,

Thanks for the cool ad today, obviously, you all are paying attention to my blog. Whoot! Whoot! And, looks like I’m not the only one working today either–the robots didn’t get the weekend off? Boo!

Anyway, to answer your question:

FACEBOOK: “Tired of Writing Great Articles that Nobody Reads?”

LOSER BLOGGER: “No! I’m not tired of creating hilarious blog posts for my MOM to read. She’s a HUGE fan. Personally, I think I’ll just grab a piece of scented stationary and a pen for the next blog. I’ll whip up some fancy paragraphs full of calligraphy and send the post directly to her mail box. It’ll be cool.”

GOOD LOOKIN’ OUT FRIENDS! :)

 

Top 10 Funny Mishaps From 90-Year-Old Papa

My nap was interrupted this morning by overwhelming thoughts of my grandpa. We called him Papa Matteri. It’s a good thing I love him so much (may he rest in peace!), because missing my A.M. snooze makes me a little cranky. Originally posted on Robin Matteri Facebook in 2011

Papa died about one-month shy of his 90th birthday, so don’t be sad, he lived a full life. His life was a mixture of ups and downs; some good, some bad, some stupid, and some sad.

Papa Matteri and Nicholas
Papa and Nicholas (Age 3) cruising all over town together.To my sister, my cousin, and me he was always good, and always hilarious. For no reason, I feel like sharing–I think we can all relate, even if the stories are a little different.

The Top 10 Funniest Things Papa Matteri Did (off the top of my head!) before dying at 90

10. His desire to be deaf.

As a child, I remember my grandma constantly yelling at Papa about his hearing. She told us repeatedly that he “only heard what he wanted to hear.” As a child, this never made sense to me. I finally understood her frustration when I was an adult. The aggravation of trying to have a conversation with him became, at times, so unnerving that I just walked away.

Typical Conversation went like this:

Me: “You need hearing aids!!”

Papa:“Huh?”

Me:“Heeeaaarrrrinnngggg A-I-D-S!”

Papa: “Oh, shit, I can’t hear you.”

This exact interaction occurred between him and every member of my family on a daily basis.

9. Who wants to spy on Papa?

Let’s just say that as children we weren’t as fortunate as the youth of today with an abundance of technology. When we played, we had to get creative.

My grandpa worked the night shift at Hank’s Deli and would typically sleep a lot during the day. With nothing better to do, Michelle, Alan and I would crawl around the house like we were in the army, creep into Papa’s room with super stealth-like moves and totally mess with him.

We’d tickle his toes with a feather, tickle his nose or just crawl around trying not to laugh. The object of the game was to piss Papa off (for some reason), and we always won.

8. Yeah, I have my license, I can drive. I was 14.

He owned a 1972 Chevy Pick-Up (still parked out on the Ranch somewhere), and I wanted to drive. We were twenty-two miles north of Patterson when I asked him.

Papa's Chevy Robin Matteri Facebook
The Chevy Pick-Up- Maybe in not so much of its glory these days…but still alive.

I about panicked when he pulled to the side of the road on Highway 33, got out of the pick-up, walked to the passenger side, and told me to take over.

I made it less than a mile before I started crying, and fessed up.

7. Want to kill him and bury him in the backyard?

Ummmm, No.

I cross my heart; he was just acting macho. No one is buried in the backyard.

Papa ain’t that gangsta!

My Grandpa Being Funny
Papa Matteri and Tyler. He was always a funny man to us.

6. Who bought Papa, a cell phone?

Why, thank you Alan. In the event of an emergency, Alan thought it would be good for Papa to have a cell phone. Well, unlike the rest of my family, I answered when he called 300 times a day. Please refer to number ten on this list and imagine those calls.

5. His love of poker.

English: Quads Aces, to represent poker games.
English: Quads Aces, to represent poker games. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Back in the day (40-50 years ago), the hottest poker game in town and on the streets was called Lo-Ball. Papa loved his poker.

As the name implies, the object was to get the lowest five-card hand instead of the highest in most poker games.

Now, please keep this in mind: With seventeen years experience in the world of poker and casinos, I have heard everyone use “bad luck” to defend their losses in gambling. In most cases, luck had nothing to do with it.

Most people lose because they play poorly.

However, in all those years, I will confirm TWO people who truly had bad luck at the poker table.

One was Papa.

When I started dealing poker in the Central Valley, Papa began to become a more frequent customer.

“Looks like you’re working for free today Robin,” said my supervisor whenever he walked through the door. The entire card room called him Papa, and every time he played, I bankrolled him with my tips.

He could never figure out how to play “that stupid high game” (as he called it), so he sat down playing Omaha, a version of high and low poker. Without boring you non-poker people with all the details, let’s just say it’s a hard game.

Let’s also say that in small poker rooms customers are enticed to play with promotions and jackpots worth thousands of dollars. Poker players everywhere are waiting to hit the “jackpot” to break even from their losses.

One night I walked up behind Papa, as he was in a hand of Omaha, and I heard him say, “raise!”

He was excited; his hands were shaking like a leaf (odd for a veteran like him), and he couldn’t wait to dump all his chips into the pot.

Which he eventually did after a series of re-raises between two players. Papa, of course, was one of them.

When Papa was out of chips, it was time for the showdown. This is the part where the players turn their cards face-up.

I looked at Papa’s hand, and there it was in all its beauty…… 3-3-3-3. Quad 3’s. As Papa started to get excited, his opponent turned his hand over and beat him with a Straight Flush.

Papa was about 80 at the time, and this was the first time he had ever made a hand this big. AND OF COURSE, it got beat. And to kick an old man while he was already down, the hand didn’t qualify for any promotional jackpot. Papa got screwed that night. But don’t worry, he didn’t lose any money, I did.

He was back the following day as if nothing ever happened.

4. Papa and his scooter.

There are so many funny things to say about this and then, of course, there is a picture that will forever be in my heart. Him on his scooter and Nicholas on his tricycle, cruising around as happy as can be. BUT, the funniest thing ever was the time he ran Uncle Jack over with that thing—-TWICE!

Papa Matteri on his scooter after running Uncle Jack over
Looks like he’s aiming for Uncle Jack now.

It had apparently been having some problems so Uncle Jack said he would look at it. As he was inspecting the front-end, Papa hit the accelerator and knocked Jack to the ground. Funny huh?

Well, imagine what happened when Uncle Jack attempted to examine the rear of the vessel? You guessed it; one wrong move and Papa backed over Jack.

Happiness is witnessing those moments.

3. An illegal left turn.

As Papa approached 87 or 88-years old, the California Department of Motor Vehicles made him take a behind-the-wheel driving test before they would renew his license. Thank you DMV!

Papa failed this test due to an illegal left-hand turn on a red light.

Of course, his failed test was my fault.

According to Papa, I had messed with his visor earlier in the day, which obstructed his view, and caused him to think that under the RED light, there was a green arrow instructing drivers to turn left.

My bad!

2. All these old people.

At one point in Papa’s life, he was forced to stay in a nursing home to recover from a hospital visit. It was minor; his stay was short and we visited almost every day. He was 88 years-old.

At one visit, he looked at me and said, “all these old people are making me depressed.” I freaking busted up laughing.

First of all, he had them all out-aged by at least 20 years, and second, every time we visited he would lay in his bed and all dramatic about his situation. Seriously, it was a wound on his leg that was taking a long time to heal. However, the drama king didn’t realize how depressed he made us by begging us to kill him on every single visit.

“Just put a pillow over my head!”—Papa from the Nursing Home to Me

OMG…… oh and while I’m thinking about it….thanks to the facility for also allowing him access to a PHONE!!

“Robin come kill me. Robin, come kill me”

To which I responded:

“I can’t Papa. Tyler and Nicholas need a mom who isn’t in prison.”  

My bad….again!

1. Going to Alaska.

In 2005, Papa was about 82 or 83-years old, when he called me. “Robin, I’m going to Alaska.”

Say what??!!

Papa needed me to go with him to Modesto to get his birth certificate so he could get a passport, because he was “going to drive an old man and his camping trailer to Alaska so the old man could go fishing.”

Deep breath.

The “old man” was 90 and blind. Why was this happening? How did no one in the family try to stop him? Why were we already at the point in this mission where he was convinced he was going? Why was I getting in my car to take him to get his birth certificate?

Well, because he was an old man. To hell with it. Let it be known now, since it’s obvious they made it to Alaska and back safely, that Papa had very little feeling in his feet and had to tap his hands continuously because they felt numb all the time.

The deaf old man (refer to number 10), and the blind old man took a three-week journey to Alaska and back. If I had honestly thought they were going all the way, I would have contacted Hollywood and installed hidden cameras. I thought for sure Papa would get to Sacramento (the next day) and say something similar to this: “forget this, I’m going home.”

But, he didn’t.

He took that old man fishing.

Man, I miss him.
//

Suck it Grammar!

I suck at grammar, so sue me. Since my inception (is that the right word?) into this industry, I’ve been struggling to learn how to properly punctuate a sentence. The only problem? I’m using the term “learn” loosely. The truth is, I’ve been lazy. Editors have picked up the slack for me. I’ve been reprimanded for horrible uses of the comma, the semi-colon, and of course, the exclamation point!

It sucks even more that I claim to be a writer but lack the necessary equipment to qualify as one. I couldn’t be a plumber without a plunger.

Or, could I?

I began writing by accident, and I didn’t think I’d ever make it this far, so I didn’t care too much about brushing up on (or learning, for that matter!) English. I wanted to write words, lyrics, poetry, and creative essays.

To be honest, I didn’t have a fair shot from the get go anyway. I learned nothing in high school about writing, grammar, English, punctuation, or rules. NO JOKE…. I even spent my senior year in HONORS ENGLISH. (That just occurred to me.) I came from a very small farming community— population 1,300 people. Anyway…. it gets better, I promise……

English: penulis = writer
English: penulis = writer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My high school English teacher called me Sparrow. His play on words did not go over my head.

 

Sparrow, the species of birds ——> Robin, the species of the birds.

Sparrow Brain ——-> Dense

Hence ———-> Sparrow

He was hilarious, or so he thought, and probably dead now.

I obviously got an inadequate education in anything to do with punctuation, grammar, and the rules of the English language (I already said that), although I’m pretty sure I was taught something. I can’t blame it all on Mr. Griffin. Can I?

English: Pink Pearl eraser from Paper Mate.
English: Pink Pearl eraser from Paper Mate. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

In college (community college, that is!), I scored so low on the English portion of my entry exams, I’m assuming the administration thought I was from Russia, and that English was my second language. I was placed in English 125BCD (or something dumb like that), and remember being shocked at the syllabus. I’m pretty sure we had to study spelling, and how to keep a journal. Once again, NO JOKE, I still have the book, and the only thing I remember from that class was how to annotate as I read. Which to me—considering I was from B.F.E., was the coolest thing I was ever taught.

For the record: I still write in every book I read. “I learned that in college, YO!”

Considering I only lasted three semesters in school, I failed to complete anything beyond the “English for the Lazy” (note: I’m ONLY referring to myself here. Considering there was absolutely NO GOOD reason for me to score so poorly, I can only chalk it up to stubbornness and laziness.

So, today, as I attempt to live as a full-time writer, I understand the perception of my authority is based largely on my ability to SPELL, and PUNCTUATE.

Until recently, I assumed a grammar-editing program was cheating, but apparently, it’s not cheating at all. It’s called being smart!

Have no fear friends with hypothetical red ink pens! I have paid for Grammarly and will no longer bother you with inadequate writing skills (just kidding!).

I write as I speak, rarely use a thesaurus, and become confused with an overload of lessons I’m rushing to learn. I’m developing the curriculum for educating myself, and that, my friends, takes a lot of time.

My freestyle writing days are behind me.

 

Just kidding!

Live well and comma on!

Note: This post was checked using the software program. If there is any additional editing required in this piece, please direct your comments to the help desk.

 

Related articles

5 Anytime Weekend Appetizers for the Family

Quick Burger
Quick Burger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

These favorites are perfect for small and large crowds. Each recipe can be customized to taste, and serving size.

 

The list of favorite appetizers with my family is large, but here are our top five.

 

 

Barney Connie’s BLT Deviled Eggs

These are a crowd favorite at every function. They are simple to make and packed with flavor.

Deviled Eggs shot during the Inaugural Portabl...
Deviled Eggs shot during the Inaugural Portable Potluck Project on March 23, 2008. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
  • 12 eggs
  • 6 pieces butcher bacon
  • 12 cherry tomatoes
  • Mayonnaise
  • Dijon mustard
  • Relish
  • Lettuce (as garnish)

Fry bacon and break into pieces. Set aside. Boil eggs, peel and slice in half. Scoop out yolk and place into mixing bowl. Place halved eggs on tray garnished with lettuce. In bowl, gently mash up yolks and add mayonnaise, mustard, and relish. Use preferred amounts to your desired taste. Mix in crumbled bacon pieces. Spoon egg yolk mixture into individual egg halves and garnish each egg with half of a cherry tomato.

 

 

Nick’s Slider Burger

This is the favorite of my 8-year old. It is a “play” on his favorite cheeseburger from In-N-Out Burger. The secret is the special space. My secret is the substitution of mayonnaise and ketchup for Mexican crema and salsa.

  • ¼ pound ground beef
  • 12 slider buns
  • 2 T. Mexican Crema
  • 2 T. Salsa (You can choose texture and spiciness!)

Form twelve, 1 inch burgers and place on barbecue. Barbecue to preferred wellness. Mix together crema and salsa. To build burgers, spread crema and ketchup on buns, add beef patty and serve.

Optional: Season ground beef with salt, pepper, garlic or other family favorites

The salsa acts as condiments but slice tomato, onion and lettuce to add more veggies

 

 

Teresa’s 3-Ingredient Tomato Salsa

My friend taught me this recipe and we make it all the time. It’s so simple. You can add or subtract tomatoes and jalapenos to change the amount and the spice level.

Bowl of salsa
Bowl of salsa (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
  • 10 Roma tomatoes
  • 2 Jalapenos
  • 1 Clove of Garlic

Boil all ingredients for 30 minutes. Let cool. Peel skin off tomato and garlic. Add all to blender and mix. Serve with chips or use as condiment. This is a perfect partner for Nick’s Slider Burger.

 

 

 

Tyler’s Cream Cheese and Crackers

This is as easy as it gets. The recipe is a favorite of my eighteen-year old.

 

  • 8 ounce package cream cheese
  • Jar of jalapeno jelly

Unwrap cream cheese. Pour jalapeno jelly over the top. Serve as spread for variety of crackers.

 

 

 

Tim’s Bean Dip

This recipe is all about flavor and with fresh veggies, it is refreshing and goes great with any BBQ.

 

  • Can of refried beans
  • Package taco seasoning
  • 8 ounce container sour cream
  • 2 cups cheddar cheese (shredded)
  • 1 cup shredded lettuce
  • ½ cup diced tomatoes
  • Can of diced green chilies
  • Can of chopped olives

 

You’re Officially a Parent to an Adult: Now What? (Great For New Parents Too)

I’m officially the parent of an adult. If this revelation doesn’t make a girl feel old, well, nothing will. At the end of this year, I’ll turn forty and that still doesn’t make me feel as old as I do when I look at my baby boy-and an adult stares back at me.

I never thought this day would come, for two reasons:

  1. I’m pretty sure I should be dead by now. It took me a few years to get it “together” and there were times when I wasn’t sure.
  2. I’m no different than any other mother. In my mind, that child is still watching Barney the purple dinosaur, calling me Moma, and needs the Cheerios cut in half.
    A box of Cheerios breakfast cereal.
    A box of Cheerios breakfast cereal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes, friends, my son is eighteen. He’s still a senior in high school, but I’m sure, as I type these words, he’s out buying lottery tickets, cigarettes, and adult magazines. After all, I planned his birth so perfectly that his admission into adulthood fell on a Friday. The “party” I had for him tonight should have been for me.

I am officially the parent of an adult, my son turns eighteen. Now what am  I supposed to do?
This whole “growing older thing” isn’t bothering him. Me? That’s a different story.

I did all the work—from creation to enduring fat ankles, to pushing, to raising, to panicking…. I’m the one who had to quit drinking and smoking for nine months, give or take!

He just popped out into the world like, “WAT up lady! I’m gonna give you a heart-attack by the time you’re thirty.”“What’s up lady! I’m gonna give you a heart-attack by the time you’re thirty.”

And I, like a naive new mother, just stared at him in amazement-completely oblivious to the fact that one day, he’d be a man.

The Big Question: What Do I Do Now?

After some consideration and a few tears, I devised a plan that offers solutions for my greatest challenges and concerns.

Recognize the Past as the Past: Every parent has regret, guilt, and a bit of remorse over things that could’ve been done differently. God knows I’ve cried myself to sleep at times with worry. In order to be the best Mother, going forward, I can only acknowledge mistakes from the past and learn from them. In order to get over the past, I have to forgive myself. (Check!)

Let Him Figure Explore Life Through His Own Mistakes: There, I said it, and it’s the truth. In order to make sure I don’t hinder the life lesson’s my son deserves, I have no choice but to allow him to make his own decisions. I have to also allow him to experience success and failure in decision-making. The hardest part is shutting up. I’ve been practicing though, so I’m feeling confident. (Check!)

Tip: New parents can avoid the regret, and guilt or minimize it by learning how to plan for all the stages of growth. I wish I had.

Build a Relationship With an Adult: He’s no longer my baby; that realization is finally sinking in. With that being said, I’m committed to building a relationship that is solid in respect, admiration, and love. I’m excited to watch my son navigate through life as an adult, I really a. (Check!)

Tell Him I’m Ready to be a Grandma: What!! He’s a teenager, he refuses to do what I say. (Check-MATE!)

Tell Him Only Idiots go to College: Ditto! (Check!)

Tip: Take advantage of the savings Amazon offers to college students when you join Amazon Student. There’s still time to plan ahead for the next leg of the trip.

My son is eighteen and I'm the parent of an adult.
He is now an adult, and I couldn’t be prouder.

[Infographic] A to Z Rules to Live By

A to Z Rules to Live By
Inspirational words to live by starting with the letter A, and ending with Z.

By The Time I’m 40 Facebook Archives of My Life From 2009

 

Over the course of my history on Facebook, I have shared everything about my life. Here is one from the archives that has put a little pressure on me. In 2009, I had a goal— Oops! I had 4 years and 364 days to accomplish it but like always, I’ve procrastinated. 100 days to go…. 

 

 

By the Time I'm 40
Facebook Archives of my Life Infographic- By the Time I’m 40.

Walkabout: A Journey of Healing After Dad Died

Walkabout: Journey of Healing
Photo by Robin Matteri Facebook

 

A documentation of healing, humor and perspectives that define people

Walkabout was a term coined by the Australian Aborigines. It was a reference to a spiritual journey. Many Aborigines sought out spiritual teachings in the landscape of their land and home as a way of finding a “Sacred Belongingness”.

My dad, who thought he pioneered the term, used it to round up his buddies in an attempt to walk “about” the town looking for fun. Today my family and I use the term as a reference to walking “about” the town in search of people, places and things that are important to us as community members.

A few days after Christmas in 2007, my dad passed away suddenly in his home.

He lived in Patterson for 55 years: was an active member of the community and the owner of Patterson Glass. He spent his lunch hours watching The Andy Griffith Show and his evenings laughing with Spongebob Squarepants.

SpongeBob SquarePants (character)
SpongeBob SquarePants (character) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Although he dreamed of living on the beach he knew Patterson was home and he loved it.

After spending some time in Patterson, my eagerness to explore the outside world took over and I parted ways from his community and didn’t return until after his death.

I chose a walkabout that led me straight back to the landscape I had originated from.

So, I began my journey of the walkabout. A rather simple one that solely consisted of walking.

I walked every morning and most afternoons; eager to meet the community; eager to talk to anyone that would listen and eager to embrace and be embraced. It became a ritual of getting to know the people, the places and landscape of the town in an attempt to feel a sense of belonging. As it turned out the city I despised a decade ago would come to surprise me in many ways.

As I walked, I began to make peace. Peace with my dad, peace with the community and peace with the people. And, with peace came confidence; and with confidence came ambition; and with ambition came life and excitement.

The overall pleasantness of the community not only surprised me but also gave me hope.

Family and the pursuit of togetherness and belongingness are essential aspects of life to those who reside here.

Multiple Choice: Tina Fey, Me, or My Mom? You Decide

Hi friends, visitors, and accidental tourists.

In addition to the long-standing Facebook debate regarding the identity of this “Glamour Shot” via web cam—

I’d also like to call attention to one more thing—

Please stand, and join me in welcoming myself into the year 2014! 

YAY!! I figured out the web cam, the telephone that “didn’t exist” and I’ve managed to answer a call–or two.

Multiple Choice: Tina Fey? Me? My Mom?

Who is this? As I took the picture this morning, (all 124 in total), I couldn’t find myself in the picture.

English: Tina Fey at the Union Square Barnes &...
English: Tina Fey at the Union Square Barnes & Noble for the release of her book Bossypants. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My Mom-The Tina Fey lookalike
My Mom. She could definitely be mistaken for Tina Fey.

 

My biggest fear now?

Getting caught picking my nose when a video call comes in… I am nervous Nelly! 

Have a great day! :)

Infographic: How Profound: The Facebook Archive Speaks Wisdom

Infographic: How Profound: The Facebook Archive Speaks Wisdom.