Freestyle Blogging News

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Freestyle Blogging @ RobinMatteri.com banner
Freestyle Blogging @ RobinMatteri.com banner

Turning 40 and Going Viral (sorta): See What She’s Doing

In less than 30 days, I’m turning 40. I know this because I started the countdown last week. I had this brilliant plan to turn my 40th birthday into an “Oprah-esque” viral phenomenon. But, like most of the ideas created in my head…..they’re still there.

You’ll want to contact me to plan your next party, I just know it. There’s a contact form following. :) Here are my ideas:

The Invite:

The Launch of Robin 4.0

40th Birthday Party Invitation. The Launch of 4.0
40th Birthday Party Invitation. The Launch of 4.0

 

In an effort to NOT turn 40 and to continue to live in the past; the party theme is “Prom 1993.” Yep, all guests will have to dress the part. Here’s what they might look like.

looking-stylish-in-90s-prom-photos.jpg
Prom+Big hair+Goth+Turtleneck=1990’s

 

The theme song: Duh!

Hold on (For One More Day) by Wilson Phillips — Here’s a sample:

 

I’m linking a gift registry to the invite.

OF COURSE, I’ll be registering for diamonds.

Blue Diamond Almond
Blue Diamond Almond

 

And in lieu of gifts, we’ll be doing a canned food drive for needy families.

 

 

FYI: I qualify. Here’s my shopping list.

Milk

Eggs

Canned Foods

 

And finally……….. it’s a surprise!! SHHH!

 

So don’t tell her boyfriend. Old school, old ladies, on the verge of BINGO are about to bust-a-move in his garage. You know? Like back in the olden days.

Ya Can’t Touch this! -MC Hammer

 

Hope I last longer than this guy did.

Bank-Security-Guard-Sleeping-Cropped
Bank-Security-Guard-Sleeping-Cropped

 

Or, this one:

sleeping
Uh-Oh… He Couldn’t Make it Til Midnight



Hit The Lottery of Irony Today and Isn’t it Ironic

Guess what I did today? Spent 3 hours designing an invitation for the Surprise 40th Birthday Party I’m throwing myself. Of course there’s a twist—the surprise is for my boyfriend who doesn’t know we’re having a party in the barn. I bet you’re dying to know the theme I chose, right? Well, the official theme title is still in development. The creative department for my Firm has been high on sugar for two-days straight and unanimously decided to release a solid lifetime of repressed anger, and despair about the horrible conditions of their lives. Honestly, 4th grade boys are bitches. I will offer a hint: A strict dress code will be enforced: 1993 Prom Attire Guess who found her custom made, hand-stitched strapless? Yep! This loser. On a side note – my mom is going to shit when she sees how well 20-year old fabric from Gemco holds up. Bonus points for this blogger for incorporating trending keywords into the invite. 1993 and Gemco are like #hashtag sensations. Emailed two content writers with a proposition to eliminate the middle-man, and partner up on a badass blog with direct links, and triple the spam fun. 853 word email…. no response… Copied and pasted that email into a MS Word Doc and lit up the grammar-check. Upon proofreading (LOL!) the email I realized I’d unknowingly shared my prediction about the future of content writing. Based on my expert level in the field of writing, a solid reputation, and a few previous blog posts bashing other freelance writers; I’m also predicting my prediction to be flagged immediately by the upcoming Danielle Steele writing prodigies, kickin’ it on G+. Felt like high-fiving Deepok Chopra for his guidance in perfecting phony spirituality. My prediction? Words are An Endangered Species —Content Writing Nears Extinction Authorities have been hard at work preparing for what they’re calling, “the worst infiltration of public school graduates” since the “kids” from 90210 finally graduated. Eighteen year olds can’t spell, understand how people look so different in real life, and have vision problems when trying to focus on printed media, thanks to text messaging, PhotoShop, 2″ screens, and SnapChat. Double bonus points awarded to this blogger for using a keyword that’ll automatically alert admin that the flag from Google do-gooders on this piece is legit. Isn’t That Ironic….. OMG, again…Alanis Morissette from ’95? Bring it…. Worked a couple of graphics into the blog to depict the cycle of content ———- end result was a Jetson-esque version of YouTube. Logged back on after the creative department passed out all over the living room at 6:47 PM. Thank you to the creators of time change! Kicked around this idea I’ve had to start a 40-Day Challenge to coincide with the upcoming 40th birthday. Realized I’m 10-days late to do what I wanted. 45 minutes into social stalking myself on 36 platforms, I dozed off and hit six buttons on the keyboard at once—ended up on a Twitter page for NaNoWriMo. In the words of the Canadian sensation who paved the way for hip-hop artists with her “dirty” lyrics and sexual implications:

An old man turns 98, he wins the lottery and dies the next day Well, isn’t that ironic, dontcha think?

It turns out I’ve hit the lottery in terms of irony; which never ceases to amaze me. After years of mocking those who follow “trending” topics and #hashtag fever; I took two minutes to read the premise behind this National event celebrated by writers all over. Turns out, words will never die, being a follower is cool, and today happens to be 30 days until my 40th birthday. Perfect timing to enter a writing event specifically designed to reduce the population of losers who can’t follow a dream. Sounds a lot like my idea: 40-Day Challenge to Get Head Out of Ass 40-Day Challenge: How to Cram 18 years of Procrastination into a Pinterest Project Quit Being a Pussy in 40 Days. Joined NaNoWriMo and right away emailed my excitement to a perfect stranger because all the people in my life think irony is a word I made up with my imaginary friend(s) while doing laundry one day. Copied and Pasted this email and it’s hitting the “blog” tonight. Realized I have no choice but to lie in the Hobbies tab of this new profile….. Prom theme just entered my head: Hold On For One More Day based on the hit single from the all female singing group, Wilson Phillips. It accurately depicts my inability to grow the fuck up. More irony? I’m pretty sure they’re making a comeback. I’ve chosen to send this post into cyberspace without visual content to attract readers, an affiliate link attachment, OR grammar-check. IRONIC of course if this post actually gets read. With my luck, this will be the one post out of 60 that my Facebook friends actually share.  Fuck you irony!

I Think Too Much So I Write

I Think Too Much So I Write
I Think Too Much So I Write

When Writers Don’t Play Nice: Writers Blogs and War!

When Writers Don’t Play Nice: Writers Blogs and War!.

Bravo! Bravo! Miranda…. which brings me once again to a couple of things:

  1. Writers are ________________. The best part about it? Every “bleeping” __________________ serves as a valuable lesson.

 

  1. This post I wrote is likely to get me burned at the stake…again… 16 Tips for New and Used Freelance Writers: Writing for WriterAccess… hahaha… HOW dare I give secrets away…. for free, even.

  2. Pay close attention to the last tip in the above linked article. USE a pen name before entering a forum.

  3. Thanks for comparing “our group” to the likes of Twain and Hemingway.

  4. Oh… I forgot to mention this: Everything I know about freelance writing I learned from a freelance writer. You know the ones, right? The tight-lipped ______________’s who refuse to “reveal” or help new writers with information regarding paying freelance gigs. Cracks me up! Here’s why:

  • The “fragile ego” of a writer is also arrogant. Anything you need to know can be found in writer forum’s ALL over the Internet.
  • Want to know something about freelance writing? Ask a writer. It is IMPOSSIBLE for the ego to remain tame…the urge to barf their brilliance in regard to writing will always defeat their desire to “keep the hot writing spot” a secret. FYI… it’s 2014, Google is KING.
  • FYI again… if you’re such a badass writer, why you worried about sharing information with a newbie? Afraid to lose your gig? Insecure? Maybe not such hot shit?
  • We’re content writing factory workers. Get over yourself.
  • When Oprah calls, rub it in my face. I can’t wait. :)
  • Until then…pay it forward, help another writer… good Lord. Most of the newbie’s are mothers, graduates, dreamers, people, struggling, scared, hopeful, grateful, loving, fearful, and human, like you.

I understand competition — I also understand compassion, integrity, mistakes, fear, struggle, success, life, and friendship.

Signed,

Robin Matteri

16 Tips For New (and Used) Freelance Writers: Writing for WriterAccess


I LOVE WriterAccess! I honestly have nothing to gain from that sentence except for a few bucks—maybe.

WriterAccess for Freelance Writers
WriterAccess for Freelance Writers

I’m not the best writer by any means, but I’ve done well working with this content mill, (the lull in work at the moment is beside the point).

I’m shamelessly linking this post with my referral link but I’ll stand behind the platform.

I moved from a level 3 writer to level 4 relatively quick, although I’m still not sure it was deserved. The $29.99 monthly investment into a grammar software program may have helped me. (HINT! HINT!)

If you’re looking for work in the field of online content writing, there are several options. With these options come several opinions. So what the hell, I’ll throw mine out there as well.

How am I an authority in this field? Simple:

  • I’m a stalker.
  • I’m a pimp.
  • I have a laptop.
  • I have no life.
  • My friends live in cyber-space.
  • I know what ideation and infographic mean even though my spell-checker doesn’t.
  •  I wrote 717 hotel articles for Demand Media back in the day that emphasized keyword placement and the use of the word amenities, over and over and over again. <—–PROOF!
  •  I once dreamed of becoming the next Chuck Klosterman  <—— (Amazon affiliate link, I’ve become one-of-them!), and know I dream of new ways to conjure up a fancy “call to action.” 

     Live by Chuck Klosterman
    This is a must-read for anyone who’s anyone. Chuck Klosterman nails real-world issues with humor, and a unique spin.
  • I read everything, apply to whatever I can, and stalk the hell out of EVERY writing site and forum I can—GOOGLE me, I dare ya. I do it every few weeks just to see where I’m registered. Just kidding, just kidding… BING me actually, I love the reward program. <—– Here’s my referral link. I’m on my way to almost $20 in free gift cards.

Back to my point. If you want to apply to WriterAccess, here are a few pointers, and of course, my referral link cleverly camouflaged into the content of this site. —–>> Right Here!

Here are Your Hints

 

  1. When applying, TAKE YOUR TIME. Complete each section carefully,and apply as though you are an expert in each field. THIS matters.
  2. The test is hard—take your time but don’t sweat it, most of the writers have scored with less than half of the answers incorrect.
  3. In the beginning, regardless of your classification, write as much as possible. The more you write, the more articles you can claim and the more street cred you’re given.
  4. Communicate with clients and the help desk ANY time your are confused, have an issue, etc.
  5. READ through every thread in the forums…word to the wise: stay out of the drama! UGH! Writers are evil. :))
  6. Apply to every casting call but do not expect to get accepted OR work from it….TRUST me, it pays off.
  7. Check the assignment boards ALL the time….I’d set an alarm for the middle of the night as well (hint-hint!)
  8. Count on getting paid TWICE a month like clockwork—UNBELIEVABLE, eh? Yep, they respect the starving artist enough to set up a decent pay schedule.
  9. Pay it forward–help another writer out, just for the heck of it (OR FOR the referral credit–we all have tummy’s to feed!)
  10. Don’t be a pr*ck-*ss writer who can’t take rejection, criticism, feedback, ridicule, and/or praise, (you might get all of this here!)
  11. Keep in mind that this is a stepping stone to a bigger dream SO you’ve got to train someone to take your spot.
  12. YOU’RE a content writer (as am I)—not Danielle Steele–CHILL, and spread the word.
  13. Spend your “off” time tweaking your profile and learn to BLOG for YOURSELF….
  14. The only thing consistent is inconsistency, deal with it or lose your mind.
  15. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket—diversify.
  16. USE A PEN NAME!! Dang it! I could have benefited from this lesson, and one other: STAY out of it! If you’re craving drama, call a 1-900# or join a chat room.

I learned that the hard way too.— LOL — Which sucks when you use your real name. Haha! The only thing I’ve got going for me? I look nothing like this picture — if someone wants to come get me; they’ll push me out of the way, looking for me.

Cheerio Friends!

Oh! But wait, there’s more. I couldn’t call myself a pimp without leaving you with a few more self-promoting links; now could I?

Here’s the best infographic ever with links to other online content writing jobs in the neighborhood. I’d love to tell ya that my nine-year-old put this masterpiece together, but, nope — I did.

And, because I’m so arrogant, pimpalicious, and addicted to the little characters that live within the infographic; here’s one more that you’d never survive life without. Social Media-Whoop! Whoop! 

Oh, good golly! Here’s one more affiliate link before I go ——–> Piktochart for Infographics, check it out.

Most Hilarious Text Message I’ve Heard in a While—But, That’s Just Me!

This text message honestly happened this morning. Forgive me if it’s not the most hilarious thing you’ve heard in weeks; I don’t get out much and nine-year-old’s are totally NOT FUNNY. So, with that, I nearly pissed myself when I saw this:

Here’s your key:

My boyfriend will be referred to as “THE BF”

His brother will be referred to as “THE BRO”

Addicted to Vintage Text Messages
Addicted to Vintage Text Messages

Text Message arrives:

6:10AM:

 “THE BRO” What time is the soccer game?

   “THE BF” 9

“THE BF” checks his phone, reads the next text, looks at me, pauses, reads it again, I yell at him, (“you’ve got time to read a damn text message but not enough time for a hug!! I’m a raging b*tch these days…FYI), “THE BF” gets flustered, wants to cuss at me, sends a response text, and then stares at me.

Hysterical laughing is coming….

“THE BF” is shocked, and manages to read the text history to me without laughing. Here’s what you missed:

6:18AM: 

“THE BRO” Received the letter ‘g’, need a number.

OMG… there are so many things about this that are funny!

  1. Who talks like that–in all seriousness. “THE BRO” is commando!
  2. “THE BF” was so confused when that text came in; it literally took him 4.5 minutes to get it. HAHAHA!!
  3. Time for AT&T to update their font! Lawsuit!!
  4. Speaking of upgrades, “THE BF” is the last man standing who still carries a flip phone-side-slide for texting—WORD!
  5. Thank YOU for small moments.

6:23AM:

“THE BF” NINE:30A.M

That’s not it folks;  “THE BF” hopped into the shower, laughing, of course at “THE BRO.” The shower is a time for inspiration I suppose–after three minutes, “THE BF” bursts into the bedroom…..

“ROB! ROB!” (That’d be me), “I’m gonna text him back now!”

“THE BF” 101 Dude….

“Get it, Rob? Get it? Instead of LOL, I sent 101!!”

90t 1t dude! 

#amwriting #amliving #amloving the dream I live –Thanks Twitter!

6 Facebook Updates From the Archives

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Love Exists

Love exists,

 Romance comes and goes,

 A meaningful life lasts forever.

–Robin Matteri October 2014 Copyright

 

Love notes written on the wall in Sharpie permanent ink; one from me and one from the love of my life. Romance is cheap but not always the solution
Love notes written on the wall in Sharpie permanent ink; one from me and one from the love of my life. Romance is cheap but not always the solution.

This snippet of text originally came to life somewhere within the world of Reddit! A man, concerned about his girlfriend’s mental health reached out to the community for guidance.

Every one offered different advice based on their interpretation of this woman. Somewhere in his words (about 2,000 of them-poor guy), it became clear (to me, anyway), that her struggle was hardly related to deteriorating mental health.

The spiritual health of a person is so often overlooked. In my opinion, his girlfriend lost sight of her authentic self and purpose.

Which got me thinking… most of the other responders told him she was “losing that loving” feeling. The suggested he be more romantic, attentive, and helpful to her needs.

To me, I say hogwash!

Love, romance and everything else along the way, will never override the human spirit, and the innate desire to be needed, fulfilled, and, at peace.

Happy National Poetry Day!