Perfectly Imperfect & Simply Chaotic defines the imperfections in all of us that combine perfectly to create individuality. It’s about embracing chaos, simply to survive. The irony in the words defines me. For most of my life, I’ve attempted to conform; each attempt unsuccessful. As a gift to myself in celebration of turning forty, I give the little girl living within, life. With life comes freedom, and with freedom, her perfectly imperfect & simply chaotic spirit can finally soar.
I’ve always had words in my head that needed a home. To be honest, I’m a storyteller, an atypical blogger who is once again, unable to conform–fully. In April 2014, after a three-year hiatus from writing, I came back. As you can imagine, the ever-evolving industry is extremely different from what I used to know. <—–FYI, I’m using that term lightly.
Telling Stories is All I Know
I have never received a formal education in English, punctuation, spelling, rules, laws, grammar, content marketing, visual design, or anything else associated with this craft. What I know, I’ve learned from other writers, bloggers, scammers, forums, Twitter, failure, success, fear, and finally, confidence.
What I know, I’ve learned from other writers, bloggers, scammers, forums, Twitter, failure, success, fear, and finally, confidence.
I ultimately want to write about what I know, feel, think, hear, and see. I want to analyze the hell out of everything, and share my chaos with those who understand, want to learn, or completely disagree. I’m honest, unafraid, confrontational, compulsive, arrogant, and real. I speak without thinking, and type without breath.
Dear Internet Editors ( you know who you are, and so do we!),
Your proverbial red pen will undoubtedly run dry after a few blogs around here. If you’d like to brush up on your editing skills, by all means, this is a fantastic place to practice. Save the emails, comments, snickers, and tongue-in-cheek remarks — I may not understand the rules of grammar as they apply to the English language (or Korean, for that matter!) but I assure you I’m fluent in the rules of virtual kung-fu and I’m not afraid to attack.
Sometimes I wonder…. I can’t understand it, and I’ve said it before— I’m the hardest working broke chick I know. On the flip side-poverty has taught me: website design, visual design, content marketing, networking, WAY more about how GOOGLE operates than I should know, WAY more about nerdy shit then I should know, how to be a pimp and annoy everyone, how to properly index a site, how to rank a blog, how to beat F’book at their own game (just kidding, just kidding, don’t cyber-slap me Zuckerburg), how to spam like the brilliant Nigerian, and finally, patience. <—-oh wait, that’s the medication, not poverty.
Not sure if I’d rather have had knowledge or money to pay someone else to do all this…. I’ll let you know the verdict when I’m living large as a “Thousandaire” —-
Well played Facebook, and the geniuses who run the marketing department. This advertisement just showed up in my News Feed. Ironic? Hardly. I’ve spent the last few days creating blogs like a machine (no kids this weekend!), and what-do-ya-know? The crickets are back, and my posts are going unnoticed.
I guess I need to get with the program and:
Create Better Blogs For People to “Pretend” to Read
Start Writing During the Week Like Normal People
Wait Until Christmas Eve to Post My Next Masterpiece.
Right? I mean, it’s only the last week of summer… I can’t be the only loser protecting my skin from cancer by parking it on the couch. Right?
Keep scrolling…I’d like to answer Facebook’s question….
Dear Marketing Stalkers at Facebook,
Thanks for the cool ad today, obviously, you all are paying attention to my blog. Whoot! Whoot! And, looks like I’m not the only one working today either–the robots didn’t get the weekend off? Boo!
Anyway, to answer your question:
FACEBOOK: “Tired of Writing Great Articles that Nobody Reads?”
LOSER BLOGGER: “No! I’m not tired of creating hilarious blog posts for my MOM to read. She’s a HUGE fan. Personally, I think I’ll just grab a piece of scented stationary and a pen for the next blog. I’ll whip up some fancy paragraphs full of calligraphy and send the post directly to her mail box. It’ll be cool.”
My nap was interrupted this morning by overwhelming thoughts of my grandpa. We called him Papa Matteri. It’s a good thing I love him so much (may he rest in peace!), because missing my A.M. snooze makes me a little cranky. Originally posted on Robin Matteri Facebook in 2011
Papa died about one-month shy of his 90th birthday, so don’t be sad, he lived a full life. His life was a mixture of ups and downs; some good, some bad, some stupid, and some sad.
The Top 10 Funniest Things Papa Matteri Did (off the top of my head!) before dying at 90
10. His desire to be deaf.
As a child, I remember my grandma constantly yelling at Papa about his hearing. She told us repeatedly that he “only heard what he wanted to hear.” As a child, this never made sense to me. I finally understood her frustration when I was an adult. The aggravation of trying to have a conversation with him became, at times, so unnerving that I just walked away.
Typical Conversation went like this:
Me:“You need hearing aids!!”
Papa:“Oh, shit, I can’t hear you.”
This exact interaction occurred between him and every member of my family on a daily basis.
9. Who wants to spy on Papa?
Let’s just say that as children we weren’t as fortunate as the youth of today with an abundance of technology. When we played, we had to get creative.
My grandpa worked the night shift at Hank’s Deli and would typically sleep a lot during the day. With nothing better to do, Michelle, Alan and I would crawl around the house like we were in the army, creep into Papa’s room with super stealth-like moves and totally mess with him.
We’d tickle his toes with a feather, tickle his nose or just crawl around trying not to laugh. The object of the game was to piss Papa off (for some reason), and we always won.
8. Yeah, I have my license, I can drive. I was 14.
He owned a 1972 Chevy Pick-Up (still parked out on the Ranch somewhere), and I wanted to drive. We were twenty-two miles north of Patterson when I asked him.
I about panicked when he pulled to the side of the road on Highway 33, got out of the pick-up, walked to the passenger side, and told me to take over.
I made it less than a mile before I started crying, and fessed up.
7. Want to kill him and bury him in the backyard?
I cross my heart; he was just acting macho. No one is buried in the backyard.
Papa ain’t that gangsta!
6. Who bought Papa, a cell phone?
Why, thank you Alan. In the event of an emergency, Alan thought it would be good for Papa to have a cell phone. Well, unlike the rest of my family, I answered when he called 300 times a day. Please refer to number ten on this list and imagine those calls.
5. His love of poker.
Back in the day (40-50 years ago), the hottest poker game in town and on the streets was called Lo-Ball. Papa loved his poker.
As the name implies, the object was to get the lowest five-card hand instead of the highest in most poker games.
Now, please keep this in mind: With seventeen years experience in the world of poker and casinos, I have heard everyone use “bad luck” to defend their losses in gambling. In most cases, luck had nothing to do with it.
Most people lose because they play poorly.
However, in all those years, I will confirm TWO people who truly had bad luck at the poker table.
One was Papa.
When I started dealing poker in the Central Valley, Papa began to become a more frequent customer.
“Looks like you’re working for free today Robin,” said my supervisor whenever he walked through the door. The entire card room called him Papa, and every time he played, I bankrolled him with my tips.
He could never figure out how to play “that stupid high game” (as he called it), so he sat down playing Omaha, a version of high and low poker. Without boring you non-poker people with all the details, let’s just say it’s a hard game.
Let’s also say that in small poker rooms customers are enticed to play with promotions and jackpots worth thousands of dollars. Poker players everywhere are waiting to hit the “jackpot” to break even from their losses.
One night I walked up behind Papa, as he was in a hand of Omaha, and I heard him say, “raise!”
He was excited; his hands were shaking like a leaf (odd for a veteran like him), and he couldn’t wait to dump all his chips into the pot.
Which he eventually did after a series of re-raises between two players. Papa, of course, was one of them.
When Papa was out of chips, it was time for the showdown. This is the part where the players turn their cards face-up.
I looked at Papa’s hand,and there it was in all its beauty…… 3-3-3-3. Quad 3’s. As Papa started to get excited, his opponent turned his hand over and beat him with a Straight Flush.
Papa was about 80 at the time, and this was the first time he had ever made a hand this big. AND OF COURSE, it got beat. And to kick an old man while he was already down, the hand didn’t qualify for any promotional jackpot. Papa got screwed that night. But don’t worry, he didn’t lose any money, I did.
He was back the following day as if nothing ever happened.
4. Papa and his scooter.
There are so many funny things to say about this and then, of course, there is a picture that will forever be in my heart. Him on his scooter and Nicholas on his tricycle, cruising around as happy as can be. BUT, the funniest thing ever was the time he ran Uncle Jack over with that thing—-TWICE!
It had apparently been having some problems so Uncle Jack said he would look at it. As he was inspecting the front-end, Papa hit the accelerator and knocked Jack to the ground. Funny huh?
Well, imagine what happened when Uncle Jack attempted to examine the rear of the vessel? You guessed it; one wrong move and Papa backed over Jack.
Happiness is witnessing those moments.
3. An illegal left turn.
As Papa approached 87 or 88-years old, the California Department of Motor Vehicles made him take a behind-the-wheel driving test before they would renew his license. Thank you DMV!
Papa failed this test due to an illegal left-hand turn on a red light.
Of course, his failed test was my fault.
According to Papa, I had messed with his visor earlier in the day, which obstructed his view, and caused him to think that under the RED light, there was a green arrow instructing drivers to turn left.
2. All these old people.
At one point in Papa’s life, he was forced to stay in a nursing home to recover from a hospital visit. It was minor; his stay was short and we visited almost every day. He was 88 years-old.
At one visit, he looked at me and said, “all these old people are making me depressed.” I freaking busted up laughing.
First of all, he had them all out-aged by at least 20 years, and second, every time we visited he would lay in his bed and all dramatic about his situation. Seriously, it was a wound on his leg that was taking a long time to heal. However, the drama king didn’t realize how depressed he made us by begging us to kill him on every single visit.
“Just put a pillow over my head!”—Papa from the Nursing Home to Me
OMG…… oh and while I’m thinking about it….thanks to the facility for also allowing him access to a PHONE!!
“Robin come kill me. Robin, come kill me”
To which I responded:
“I can’t Papa. Tyler and Nicholas need a mom who isn’t in prison.”
1. Going to Alaska.
In 2005, Papa was about 82 or 83-years old, when he called me. “Robin, I’m going to Alaska.”
Papa needed me to go with him to Modesto to get his birth certificate so he could get a passport, because he was “going to drive an old man and his camping trailer to Alaska so the old man could go fishing.”
The “old man” was 90 and blind. Why was this happening? How did no one in the family try to stop him? Why were we already at the point in this mission where he was convinced he was going? Why was I getting in my car to take him to get his birth certificate?
Well, because he was an old man. To hell with it. Let it be known now, since it’s obvious they made it to Alaska and back safely, that Papa had very little feeling in his feet and had to tap his hands continuously because they felt numb all the time.
The deaf old man (refer to number 10), and the blind old man took a three-week journey to Alaska and back. If I had honestly thought they were going all the way, I would have contacted Hollywood and installed hidden cameras. I thought for sure Papa would get to Sacramento (the next day) and say something similar to this: “forget this, I’m going home.”
These are a crowd favorite at every function. They are simple to make and packed with flavor.
6 pieces butcher bacon
12 cherry tomatoes
Lettuce (as garnish)
Fry bacon and break into pieces. Set aside. Boil eggs, peel and slice in half. Scoop out yolk and place into mixing bowl. Place halved eggs on tray garnished with lettuce. In bowl, gently mash up yolks and add mayonnaise, mustard, and relish. Use preferred amounts to your desired taste. Mix in crumbled bacon pieces. Spoon egg yolk mixture into individual egg halves and garnish each egg with half of a cherry tomato.
Nick’s Slider Burger
This is the favorite of my 8-year old. It is a “play” on his favorite cheeseburger from In-N-Out Burger. The secret is the special space. My secret is the substitution of mayonnaise and ketchup for Mexican crema and salsa.
¼ pound ground beef
12 slider buns
2 T. Mexican Crema
2 T. Salsa (You can choose texture and spiciness!)
Form twelve, 1 inch burgers and place on barbecue. Barbecue to preferred wellness. Mix together crema and salsa. To build burgers, spread crema and ketchup on buns, add beef patty and serve.
Optional: Season ground beef with salt, pepper, garlic or other family favorites
The salsa acts as condiments but slice tomato, onion and lettuce to add more veggies
I LOVE WriterAccess! I honestly have nothing to gain from that sentence except for a few bucks—maybe.
I’m not the best writer by any means, but I’ve done well working with this content mill, (the lull in work at the moment is beside the point).
I’m shamelessly linking this post with my referral link but I’ll stand behind the platform.
I moved from a level 3 writer to level 4 relatively quick, although I’m still not sure it was deserved. The $29.99 monthly investment into a grammar software program may have helped me. (HINT! HINT!)
If you’re looking for work in the field of online content writing, there are several options. With these options come several opinions. So what the hell, I’ll throw mine out there as well.
How am I an authority in this field? Simple:
I’m a stalker.
I’m a pimp.
I have a laptop.
I have no life.
My friends live in cyber-space.
I know what ideation and infographic mean even though my spell-checker doesn’t.
I wrote 717 hotel articles for Demand Media back in the day that emphasized keyword placement and the use of the word amenities, over and over and over again. <—–PROOF!
I once dreamed of becoming the next Chuck Klosterman <—— (Amazon affiliate link, I’ve become one-of-them!), and know I dream of new ways to conjure up a fancy “call to action.”
I read everything, apply to whatever I can, and stalk the hell out of EVERY writing site and forum I can—GOOGLE me, I dare ya. I do it every few weeks just to see where I’m registered. Just kidding, just kidding… BING me actually, I love the reward program. <—– Here’s my referral link. I’m on my way to almost $20 in free gift cards.
Back to my point. If you want to apply to WriterAccess, here are a few pointers, and of course, my referral link cleverly camouflaged into the content of this site. —–>> Right Here!
Here are Your Hints
When applying, TAKE YOUR TIME. Complete each section carefully,and apply as though you are an expert in each field. THIS matters.
The test is hard—take your time but don’t sweat it, most of the writers have scored with less than half of the answers incorrect.
In the beginning, regardless of your classification, write as much as possible. The more you write, the more articles you can claim and the more street cred you’re given.
Communicate with clients and the help desk ANY time your are confused, have an issue, etc.
READ through every thread in the forums…word to the wise: stay out of the drama! UGH! Writers are evil. :))
Apply to every casting call but do not expect to get accepted OR work from it….TRUST me, it pays off.
Check the assignment boards ALL the time….I’d set an alarm for the middle of the night as well (hint-hint!)
Count on getting paid TWICE a month like clockwork—UNBELIEVABLE, eh? Yep, they respect the starving artist enough to set up a decent pay schedule.
Pay it forward–help another writer out, just for the heck of it (OR FOR the referral credit–we all have tummy’s to feed!)
Don’t be a pr*ck-*ss writer who can’t take rejection, criticism, feedback, ridicule, and/or praise, (you might get all of this here!)
Keep in mind that this is a stepping stone to a bigger dream SO you’ve got to train someone to take your spot.
YOU’RE a content writer (as am I)—not Danielle Steele–CHILL, and spread the word.
Spend your “off” time tweaking your profile and learn to BLOG for YOURSELF….
The only thing consistent is inconsistency, deal with it or lose your mind.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket—diversify.
USE A PEN NAME!! Dang it! I could have benefited from this lesson, and one other: STAY out of it! If you’re craving drama, call a 1-900# or join a chat room.
I learned that the hard way too.— LOL — Which sucks when you use your real name. Haha! The only thing I’ve got going for me? I look nothing like this picture — if someone wants to come get me; they’ll push me out of the way, looking for me.
Oh! But wait, there’s more. I couldn’t call myself a pimp without leaving you with a few more self-promoting links; now could I?
Here’s the best infographic ever with links to other online content writing jobs in the neighborhood. I’d love to tell ya that my nine-year-old put this masterpiece together, but, nope — I did.
And, because I’m so arrogant, pimpalicious, and addicted to the little characters that live within the infographic; here’s one more that you’d never survive life without. Social Media-Whoop! Whoop!
Oh, good golly! Here’s one more affiliate link before I go ——–> Piktochart for Infographics, check it out.
This text message honestly happened this morning. Forgive me if it’s not the most hilarious thing you’ve heard in weeks; I don’t get out much and nine-year-old’s are totally NOT FUNNY. So, with that, I nearly pissed myself when I saw this:
Here’s your key:
My boyfriend will be referred to as “THE BF”
His brother will be referred to as “THE BRO”
Text Message arrives:
“THE BRO” What time is the soccer game?
“THE BF” 9
“THE BF” checks his phone, reads the next text, looks at me, pauses, reads it again, I yell at him, (“you’ve got time to read a damn text message but not enough time for a hug!! I’m a raging b*tch these days…FYI), “THE BF” gets flustered, wants to cuss at me, sends a response text, and then stares at me.
Hysterical laughing is coming….
“THE BF” is shocked, and manages to read the text history to me without laughing. Here’s what you missed:
“THE BRO”Received the letter ‘g’, need a number.
OMG… there are so many things about this that are funny!
Who talks like that–in all seriousness. “THE BRO” is commando!
“THE BF” was so confused when that text came in; it literally took him 4.5 minutes to get it. HAHAHA!!
Time for AT&T to update their font! Lawsuit!!
Speaking of upgrades, “THE BF” is the last man standing who still carries a flip phone-side-slide for texting—WORD!
Thank YOU for small moments.
“THE BF” NINE:30A.M
That’s not it folks; “THE BF” hopped into the shower, laughing, of course at “THE BRO.” The shower is a time for inspiration I suppose–after three minutes, “THE BF” bursts into the bedroom…..
“ROB! ROB!” (That’d be me), “I’m gonna text him back now!”
“THE BF”101 Dude….
“Get it, Rob? Get it? Instead of LOL, I sent 101!!”
As a new blogger myself, I’m learning the ropes and passing the information along, just in case you haven’t already heard. I’m not an expert blogger so I’m definitely not giving advice. You’ve been warned. :)
We put a spin on waffles and grilled the fried chicken. When they are mixed together, it’s a savory breakfast or brunch that beats all others.
Each recipe can be eaten alone or combined to make a fantastic brunch plate. I’ll show you how. We are dividing into two teams: 1) inside cooking and 2) grilling specialists, in order to tackle this menu.
We do the bacon waffles inside. You’ll need:
waffle iron or grill frying pan or grill waffle mix bacon butter syrup
Decide how many guests are coming and make these according to serving size.
In frying pan, cook one piece of bacon (to your taste) for every guest
Place cooked piece of bacon on waffle iron or grill
Pour waffle batter over piece of bacon and cook til done
You can serve with butter and syrup as a simple breakfast OR with grilled chicken for a homemade chicken and waffle dish.
Mom’s Grilled Chicken
This juicy mix of sweet and savory chicken is great alone or as a partner to complete the bacon waffle. You’ll need:
BBQ grill dish to marinate chicken in chicken breasts brown sugar garlic olive oil honey salt pepper
The marinade for this dish will depend on how many pieces of chicken you are grilling.
Clean chicken, cut off fat
Mix marinade in large glass baking dish: brown sugar, garlic (to taste), olive oil, honey (use to taste but sparingly if serving with waffles and syrup), salt and pepper
Place chicken in dish and make sure saturated with marinade
Allow chicken to marinate for at least one hour
Grill on medium heat for 20-25 minutes or until chicken is cooked
This chicken is fantastic when served on top of bacon waffle and then topped with syrup!
Super Fruity Green Salad
Mix all these ingredients in bowl and toss with a raspberry vinaigrette before serving. (Ingredients can be modified to your taste but these go great together!) You’ll need:
romaine lettuce diced strawberries candied walnuts diced avocado red onion
This is my favorite simple summer salad. It is refreshing and healthy.
Fresh fruit salad
Whole chicken (instead of breast)
This snippet of text originally came to life somewhere within the world of Reddit! A man, concerned about his girlfriend’s mental health reached out to the community for guidance.
Every one offered different advice based on their interpretation of this woman. Somewhere in his words (about 2,000 of them-poor guy), it became clear (to me, anyway), that her struggle was hardly related to deteriorating mental health.
The spiritual health of a person is so often overlooked. In my opinion, his girlfriend lost sight of her authentic self and purpose.
Which got me thinking… most of the other responders told him she was “losing that loving” feeling. The suggested he be more romantic, attentive, and helpful to her needs.
To me, I say hogwash!
Love, romance and everything else along the way, will never override the human spirit, and the innate desire to be needed, fulfilled, and, at peace.