Most Hilarious Text Message I’ve Heard in a While—But, That’s Just Me!

This text message honestly happened this morning. Forgive me if it’s not the most hilarious thing you’ve heard in weeks; I don’t get out much and nine-year-old’s are totally NOT FUNNY. So, with that, I nearly pissed myself when I saw this:

Here’s your key:

My boyfriend will be referred to as “THE BF”

His brother will be referred to as “THE BRO”

Addicted to Vintage Text Messages
Addicted to Vintage Text Messages

Text Message arrives:

6:10AM:

 “THE BRO” What time is the soccer game?

   “THE BF” 9

“THE BF” checks his phone, reads the next text, looks at me, pauses, reads it again, I yell at him, (“you’ve got time to read a damn text message but not enough time for a hug!! I’m a raging b*tch these days…FYI), “THE BF” gets flustered, wants to cuss at me, sends a response text, and then stares at me.

Hysterical laughing is coming….

“THE BF” is shocked, and manages to read the text history to me without laughing. Here’s what you missed:

6:18AM: 

“THE BRO” Received the letter ‘g’, need a number.

OMG… there are so many things about this that are funny!

  1. Who talks like that–in all seriousness. “THE BRO” is commando!
  2. “THE BF” was so confused when that text came in; it literally took him 4.5 minutes to get it. HAHAHA!!
  3. Time for AT&T to update their font! Lawsuit!!
  4. Speaking of upgrades, “THE BF” is the last man standing who still carries a flip phone-side-slide for texting—WORD!
  5. Thank YOU for small moments.

6:23AM:

“THE BF” NINE:30A.M

That’s not it folks;  “THE BF” hopped into the shower, laughing, of course at “THE BRO.” The shower is a time for inspiration I suppose–after three minutes, “THE BF” bursts into the bedroom…..

“ROB! ROB!” (That’d be me), “I’m gonna text him back now!”

“THE BF” 101 Dude….

“Get it, Rob? Get it? Instead of LOL, I sent 101!!”

90t 1t dude! 

By The Time I’m 40 Facebook Archives of My Life From 2009

 

Over the course of my history on Facebook, I have shared everything about my life. Here is one from the archives that has put a little pressure on me. In 2009, I had a goal— Oops! I had 4 years and 364 days to accomplish it but like always, I’ve procrastinated. 100 days to go…. 

 

 

By the Time I'm 40
Facebook Archives of my Life Infographic- By the Time I’m 40.

Multiple Choice: Tina Fey, Me, or My Mom? You Decide

Hi friends, visitors, and accidental tourists.

In addition to the long-standing Facebook debate regarding the identity of this “Glamour Shot” via web cam—

I’d also like to call attention to one more thing—

Please stand, and join me in welcoming myself into the year 2014! 

YAY!! I figured out the web cam, the telephone that “didn’t exist” and I’ve managed to answer a call–or two.

Multiple Choice: Tina Fey? Me? My Mom?

Who is this? As I took the picture this morning, (all 124 in total), I couldn’t find myself in the picture.

English: Tina Fey at the Union Square Barnes &...
English: Tina Fey at the Union Square Barnes & Noble for the release of her book Bossypants. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My Mom-The Tina Fey lookalike
My Mom. She could definitely be mistaken for Tina Fey.

 

My biggest fear now?

Getting caught picking my nose when a video call comes in… I am nervous Nelly! 

Have a great day! :)

Infographic: How Profound: The Facebook Archive Speaks Wisdom

Infographic: How Profound: The Facebook Archive Speaks Wisdom.

Lessons From a Writer (That’s Me!): Dial-Up Internet and A Chump

I’m not really sure how it all happened but at the age of 31, and with very little effort, I became a freelance writer.

In 2006 I began writing 500-700 word articles that were keyword specific, Search Engine Optimized and rewrites. Each article required research, links, and unique content. I was working full-time as a poker dealer during the day but at night, I was living the glamorous life of a writer.

Dial-up Internet, the largest desktop known to man and street cred.

I WAS A WRITER, BABY!

Wide Open Spaces--the world was waiting for this writer
Wide Open Spaces–the world was waiting for this writer

Let me back up, I can’t remember if I ever consciously thought about, or wanted to be a writer. I kept a journal consistently during high school and early into my 20s. As the years went on, my journal became a place for vulnerability and a sort of poetry.

I wanted to write songs but didn’t know how to play an instrument so that seemed impossible. I wrote words instead.

journal and notes
The Infamous Composition Book — All the Tortured Poetry Lives Here

Sometimes I cut words out of magazines and arranged them to create “tragic” poetry—would be lyrics–if I only knew three guitar chords.

When the world shifted from ink pens to keyboards, I was SCREWED!

How the hell could computers not be a passing fancy? In high school I laughed at the typing class students (because I was so cool, being in the F.F.A and all) and swore, I would never learn to type (or sew—two decisions I grew to regret).

I went a very long time defending my high school stance and upholding the anti-typing vow.

The Beginning of My Freelance Career

I had giant balls in January, 2006 when I decided to submit a personal essay about being a new mother to a writing site. Imagine my surprise when two weeks later I received this email,

“Robin, I’d love to feature this story on my website as it is creative, humorous, and a fun read. I did edit the text quite a bit to adhere to the guidelines of writing for the Web, and to correct grammar and punctuation errors. I look forward to future submissions and strongly recommend a refresher in grammar.”

Holy crap! I was going to be famous!

Naturally, This is What I Did Next

I applied for writing jobs. Literally, thought I was on my way to a feature in Vogue.

I got my first gig within no time.

My “editor” sent five orders at a time. I didn’t choose the topic or negotiate word count or any details. The instructions for each article were simple. I didn’t know then but I know now-I was being primed for sweat-shop labor in the content mill industry.

This is what I received:

  • Topic to research (ex: Summer vacation in Paris, France-Things to do, places to stay, etc.)
  • Required keywords and density (ex: 15%)
  • Required word count (MIN 500/Maximum 1,000)
  • Deadline (ex: 24 hours)
  • Rate of pay

I spent hours perfecting each piece. I researched hostels, sightseeing, foreign travel tips, and fun ideas for the International traveler. I was bored to death and frustrated easily and considered myself to be a tortured writer like all the most famous ones before me.

I wrote a paragraph and then hastily deleted it-called it junk-in obvious imitation of the writer’s I envisioned in my head. I cured writers block with mundane tasks like preparing dinner and worked furiously into the wee hours of the morning.

I thought I was Tolstoy.

I was writing website content.

As a ghostwriter.

For a ghostwriter.

 Outsourcing Writer Actually Taught Me How to Write

I had no concept that my “work”–expertly crafted with proper keyword density and links to destinations in Paris–would be credited to some chump writer who had perfectly executed the system of Capitalism.

I knew right away that I was doing something right when after the first 5-10 articles; I received no revision requests or notes about editing. I sucked at punctuation (still do) and was honest about appreciating constructive feedback. I was inundated with requests to write more and was on cloud nine every time she commented on my skill as a writer.

BAM! I was in….

I landed this gig after to replying to a job posting  and WAS THRILLED to have “finally” made it into the world of writers.

I was being paid $1-$3 per article. HAHAHAHA…..

I didn’t know enough to bitch about it.

It didn’t take me long to see I was being “scammed” by another writer. I was so new and naive but extremely arrogant as well.

I refused to read articles that offered advice to new writers. I wanted to figure it all out myself. I didn’t want to spend hours researching the industry of writing.

I just wanted to write….and, meet Oprah.

After all, I was published online after my very FIRST submission. DUH! I was a natural.

Today, I am writing full-time, learning about punctuation, and developing a career that I’m proud of.

I’ve had to put the creative writing on-hold for the moment, but I’m not going to give up. I’ve still got some junk in the trunk that’s gonna need some editing, and a place to live.

My Imaginary Boyfriend–Direct Quote From My Son… GASP!


From the Facebook Archives—A classic conversation between me and my oldest—I think he was about 15 years old at the time. His wit will never stop making me laugh.

 

Me: “Give me your girlfriends number, I want to text her.”

 

Tyler: “No. I don’t want you texting my girlfriend. I don’t text your imaginary boyfriend.”

 

 

Swimming Safety Tip #333 From The Archives of My Facebook Life

Swimming Safety Tip #333 from the archives of my Facebook life.

Who needs Oprah when I am so full of wisdom, life-changing tips, and inspiring words to live by.

I spent a good portion of my 30’s on Facebook. Smoking. And training for the Olympics—- apparently.

 

Swimming Coffee

 

 

Infographic: Summer Time Chubby Tanning

From the Facebook Archives of My Life [infographic]
I’m brutally honest to a fault. Too much info, I know but it was most definitely a great summer, according to the archives anyway. Those days were the good ol’ days to me. Facebook and swimming—back before I decided to follow a dream and become a writer. The summer of 2014 eluded me and my pale legs are proof. On the flip side—I’ve learned how to build a website (somewhat), kick it with my cyber-homies, and am a badass stalker on every social networking platform.

Infographic: How Profound: The Facebook Archive Speaks Wisdom

<img src="image.gif" alt="howprofoundfacebookarchives" />
Facebook Archives Philosophy Robin Matteri Copyright 2014

From the Facebook archives of my life, I find something profound from a few years ago. At some point in life we all go through periods where we examine our path and wonder if we’re doing what we always wanted to be doing.

For me, these times always involve alcohol.

In this particular case, the beer was amazing at crafting words of philosophical genius.

For the record, I’m finally doing what I’ve always wanted to be doing. It’s making me feel guilty about not doing what I should be doing.

The tortured irony of my life never gets old.

Silently Bragging; WE Know You Are

Taken from the elusive archive downloads that encompasses my Facebook life, this little number is only ONE in a long line of bitter status updates meant to be hilarious–oh, and honest. I was on Facebook 24/7 (as you’ll find out in future posts), and consumed by social interaction via technology for some reason.

Probably because I didn’t have to do my hair that way…

If you’re like me, there was a time when the brand new world of smartphone-enriched social lives took control of everything. It was so exciting to be connected so easily, and immediately. I’m not sure that excitement has worn off but I’ll let you know if it does.

 

<img src="image.gif" alt="facebookbraggingstatusarchives" />
Archived Facebook Status Update from Robin Matteri Copyright 2014