Tag Archives: writing

What is Perfectly Imperfect Simply Chaotic?

Perfectly Imperfect and Simply Chaotic at robinmatteri.com
Telling Stories With Words and Poetry

Perfectly Imperfect & Simply Chaotic defines the imperfections in all of us that combine perfectly to create individuality. It’s about embracing chaos, simply to survive. The irony in the words defines me. For most of my life, I’ve attempted to conform; each attempt unsuccessful. As a gift to myself in celebration of turning forty, I give the little girl living within, life. With life comes freedom, and with freedom, her perfectly imperfect & simply chaotic spirit can finally soar.

Card Shapes

I’ve always had words in my head that needed a home. To be honest, I’m a storyteller, an atypical blogger who is once again, unable to conform–fully. In April 2014, after a three-year hiatus from writing, I came back. As you can imagine, the ever-evolving industry is extremely different from what I used to know. <—–FYI, I’m using that term lightly.

Telling Stories is All I Know

I have never received a formal education in English, punctuation, spelling, rules, laws, grammar, content marketing, visual design, or anything else associated with this craft. What I know, I’ve learned from other writers, bloggers, scammers, forums, Twitter, failure, success, fear, and finally, confidence.

What I know, I’ve learned from other writers, bloggers, scammers, forums, Twitter, failure, success, fear, and finally, confidence.  

I ultimately want to write about what I know, feel, think, hear, and see. I want to analyze the hell out of everything, and share my chaos with those who understand, want to learn, or completely disagree. I’m honest, unafraid, confrontational, compulsive, arrogant, and real. I speak without thinking, and type without breath.

Open Letter to Internet Editors and Human Spell-Checkers

Dear Internet Editors ( you know who you are, and so do we!),

Your proverbial red pen will undoubtedly run dry after a few blogs around here. If you’d like to brush up on your editing skills, by all means, this is a fantastic place to practice. Save the emails, comments, snickers, and tongue-in-cheek remarks — I may not understand the rules of grammar as they apply to the English language (or Korean, for that matter!) but I assure you I’m fluent in the rules of virtual kung-fu and I’m not afraid to attack.

—-Robin

 

[Poetry] To be Vulnerable

To be vulnerable is an art; poetry is the easy part.
Original poetry by Robin Matteri

Let’s Talk Content? How To Pitch a Marketing Strategy to Spammers

Honest as shit!? I just received an email from “Apple” informing me of a security breach. GASP!! What do I do? What do I do? Calm down Robin!! Keep reading. Oh, phew! Click here. Thank God!

StopSpamafia
Let’s Come Together and #StopSpamafia

You haνe receiνed this email because our sγstem has noticed some susρicious actiνities with ΑρρleΙD ,all what you need to κeeρ enjoying all the benefits of your id is to confirm γour identitγ , follow the linκ below to start this ρrocess

If you’ve read anything I’ve ever written in the past, you’ll understand that I am not bashing the tactics of the fine young team of thugs; my beef is with the horrible (dare I say it?), grammar. Please note, once again, that I am not attacking the “misplaced comma” or the “horrible use of CAPITAL letters”—God, and spammers know, I’ve got no room to judge. I am attacking the idiotic MISUSE of words, and the slang that clearly implicates them as ridiculous fakes.

Kindly Ignore Me if I’m Offensive, BUT….

Oh yah…another indicator this was bullshit, (for the record, I didn’t need a second opinion), I’m a writer (air quotes). There was obviously a mix-up of email lists—The only Apple product I own is well, nevermind…man, I’m hilarious. (Please note from my highly technical graphic above)–I need nothing fancier than a kids tablet to get “work” done.)

If they really want to hook someone with a pansy-ass sucker punch, they need a new content marketing strategy. Why the hell hasn’t someone already pitched this idea? Damn writers! I’ll pitch my idea first (you can go next!):

I’ll pitch my idea first and you can go next!

Dude!!! Our bad!! You’re AppleID is all jacked up. Yah, I’m at the gym with my homies, working out ( I SOOO love sweating to Taylor Swift! LOL), when myApple-Nano-Redunculous-Retro-C573982-Customer-Service-Management-Device alerted me to a compromised situation occuring with your shit, dude. Here’s the dealio: You can click this button to confirm your identity, or me and my boys are gonna have to quit it at the gym early and hit the office for a total re-boot of your system. MAN!!! We were about to get down in here. J/K! Anyway, it’s your call.

Questions? Real Quick

1. Who the hell is in charge of the organized “Spamafia” group? This bullshit has gone on long enough. Here’s the email I received:

2. Who keeps clicking the damn spam links??? For real! In order for a scam to continue, it has to work—-> STOP CLICKING on the links! Stop it!

In addition to supporting a group of complete morons who should have spell-checker or grammar software by now, you’re making an entire group of people look idiotic!

In closing, I leave you with these thoughts.

Spammers: Use a stolen credit card and pay for a program. Duh!

People: Quit clicking the links. Duh!

Do you honestly believe tech support at Apple talks like this? Do you not think PayPal has a quality control department that proofs emails before they’re sent out? Do you STILL think your Internet is safe?

Hilarious.

Belly Flopping Back Into Writing and Apparently I need a Niche

I’d like to gracefully dive back in as a writer who shares a unique voice, and a seat at lunch with Oprah; however, I’m belly flopping into content marketing and sharing a seat at lunch with the cool kids at every writing forum I can find.

Hardest Working Broke Chick: Poverty Education


Sometimes I wonder…. I can’t understand it, and I’ve said it before— I’m the hardest working broke chick I know. On the flip side-poverty has taught me: website design, visual design, content marketing, networking, WAY more about how GOOGLE operates than I should know, WAY more about nerdy shit then I should know, how to be a pimp and annoy everyone, how to properly index a site, how to rank a blog, how to beat F’book at their own game (just kidding, just kidding, don’t cyber-slap me Zuckerburg), how to spam like the brilliant Nigerian, and finally, patience. <—-oh wait, that’s the medication, not poverty.

English: A juxtaposition of affluence and poverty
English: A juxtaposition of affluence and poverty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not sure if I’d rather have had knowledge or money to pay someone else to do all this…. I’ll let you know the verdict when I’m living large as a “Thousandaire” —-

How Facebook Burned Me With Target Advertising

Well played Facebook, and the geniuses who run the marketing department. This advertisement just showed up in my News Feed. Ironic? Hardly. I’ve spent the last few days creating blogs like a machine (no kids this weekend!), and what-do-ya-know? The crickets are back, and my posts are going unnoticed.

I guess I need to get with the program and:

  1. Create Better Blogs For People to “Pretend” to Read
  2. Start Writing During the Week Like Normal People
  3. Wait Until Christmas Eve to Post My Next Masterpiece. 

Right? I mean, it’s only the last week of summer… I can’t be the only loser protecting my skin from cancer by parking it on the couch. Right?

Keep scrolling…I’d like to answer Facebook’s question….

Facebook Burn: How target marketing is telling this writer that she sucks. "Tired of writing blogs that no one reads?" This author puts a funny spin on it.
Well Played Facebook and the “target marketing” advertising geniuses!!

Dear Marketing Stalkers at Facebook,

Thanks for the cool ad today, obviously, you all are paying attention to my blog. Whoot! Whoot! And, looks like I’m not the only one working today either–the robots didn’t get the weekend off? Boo!

Anyway, to answer your question:

FACEBOOK: “Tired of Writing Great Articles that Nobody Reads?”

LOSER BLOGGER: “No! I’m not tired of creating hilarious blog posts for my MOM to read. She’s a HUGE fan. Personally, I think I’ll just grab a piece of scented stationary and a pen for the next blog. I’ll whip up some fancy paragraphs full of calligraphy and send the post directly to her mail box. It’ll be cool.”

GOOD LOOKIN’ OUT FRIENDS! :)

 

Suck it Grammar!

I suck at grammar, so sue me. Since my inception (is that the right word?) into this industry, I’ve been struggling to learn how to properly punctuate a sentence. The only problem? I’m using the term “learn” loosely. The truth is, I’ve been lazy. Editors have picked up the slack for me. I’ve been reprimanded for horrible uses of the comma, the semi-colon, and of course, the exclamation point!

It sucks even more that I claim to be a writer but lack the necessary equipment to qualify as one. I couldn’t be a plumber without a plunger.

Or, could I?

I began writing by accident, and I didn’t think I’d ever make it this far, so I didn’t care too much about brushing up on (or learning, for that matter!) English. I wanted to write words, lyrics, poetry, and creative essays.

To be honest, I didn’t have a fair shot from the get go anyway. I learned nothing in high school about writing, grammar, English, punctuation, or rules. NO JOKE…. I even spent my senior year in HONORS ENGLISH. (That just occurred to me.) I came from a very small farming community— population 1,300 people. Anyway…. it gets better, I promise……

English: penulis = writer
English: penulis = writer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My high school English teacher called me Sparrow. His play on words did not go over my head.

 

Sparrow, the species of birds ——> Robin, the species of the birds.

Sparrow Brain ——-> Dense

Hence ———-> Sparrow

He was hilarious, or so he thought, and probably dead now.

I obviously got an inadequate education in anything to do with punctuation, grammar, and the rules of the English language (I already said that), although I’m pretty sure I was taught something. I can’t blame it all on Mr. Griffin. Can I?

English: Pink Pearl eraser from Paper Mate.
English: Pink Pearl eraser from Paper Mate. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

In college (community college, that is!), I scored so low on the English portion of my entry exams, I’m assuming the administration thought I was from Russia, and that English was my second language. I was placed in English 125BCD (or something dumb like that), and remember being shocked at the syllabus. I’m pretty sure we had to study spelling, and how to keep a journal. Once again, NO JOKE, I still have the book, and the only thing I remember from that class was how to annotate as I read. Which to me—considering I was from B.F.E., was the coolest thing I was ever taught.

For the record: I still write in every book I read. “I learned that in college, YO!”

Considering I only lasted three semesters in school, I failed to complete anything beyond the “English for the Lazy” (note: I’m ONLY referring to myself here. Considering there was absolutely NO GOOD reason for me to score so poorly, I can only chalk it up to stubbornness and laziness.

So, today, as I attempt to live as a full-time writer, I understand the perception of my authority is based largely on my ability to SPELL, and PUNCTUATE.

Until recently, I assumed a grammar-editing program was cheating, but apparently, it’s not cheating at all. It’s called being smart!

Have no fear friends with hypothetical red ink pens! I have paid for Grammarly and will no longer bother you with inadequate writing skills (just kidding!).

I write as I speak, rarely use a thesaurus, and become confused with an overload of lessons I’m rushing to learn. I’m developing the curriculum for educating myself, and that, my friends, takes a lot of time.

My freestyle writing days are behind me.

 

Just kidding!

Live well and comma on!

Note: This post was checked using the software program. If there is any additional editing required in this piece, please direct your comments to the help desk.

 

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[Infographic] A to Z Rules to Live By

A to Z Rules to Live By
Inspirational words to live by starting with the letter A, and ending with Z.

Part of the Tortured Poetry Collection HAHAHA

 

Part of the Tortured Poetry Collection of Robin Matteri
Part of the Tortured Poetry Collection of Robin Matteri

You’re Not The Boss of Me, These Two Are

The CEO and CFO of “Robin Matteri Writer”

CEO and CFO of ME--My Boys

 

 

 

….. the company doing business as, “Mom!”

 

I may not punch in and out, and do not have hours consistent to you regular folks— ya know, like, Monday to Friday. The wages may be borderline on nothing, but, the fringe benefits are enormous.

Thanks for supporting us by reading my writing…. it’s appreciated by everyone.

My son and I age 10 1293832509587